Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit