A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover