Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.