A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
i wish we could shoplift online
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.