A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
You don’t even know
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FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My circle of trust is a meatball
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
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All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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