A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
want me to check your oil?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not