Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Damn what did I do next

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭