A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*limbos away from your hug*
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If I ignore life will it go away?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.