Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

Come back with a warrant

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself