A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
You Might Also Like
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
absolute chaos
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?