A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
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I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Have a lovely day 😊
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.