Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

OMG 🤣🤣

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had