Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*