coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Botany good plants lately?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys