Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.