A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
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“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
is this meant to deter me
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
he’s doing your taxes
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.