Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.