A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
You Might Also Like
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
It’s on my to-do list.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.