Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

Mornin

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no