Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”