Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

Room with a view.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

Dance like you’re not the father

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent