A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Shortcut
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book