A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*