A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
groan^2
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.