A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
who named him groot and not spruce lee
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…