A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Me :
All Day At Night
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious