A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
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THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood