A hop and a tag…you’re it! ๐๐๐บ
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Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Iโm trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we canโt visit them this summer.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself youโve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
ME: I wish my enemiesโ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, theyโd see a huge increase in membership.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me: Whatโs your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.