A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
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I babysat for my neighbors last night. When they got home, there were dirty cups everywhere, the ice cream was melted and there was red nail polish on the velvet sofa. On the plus side, the kids never woke up.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If you’re not personally the cause of at least 3 rules in the group DM, are you even participating.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
What even happened today?
