A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
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“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900