A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
You Might Also Like
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Ugh
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’