A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Yes, but it was never about money
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
☠️ ☠️
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.