A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
bought wrong eggs
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.