Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

I didn’t know they can drive…

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.