Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.