@AudreyPorne

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

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@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@SmokeyDokey43

1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.

He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”

So are the days of our lives.

@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

@AnnietheNanny1

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

@ObscureGent

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.