a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.Iâm here all weekđŹ
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
We donât have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized itâs okay to steal from work
boss: iâm always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, thatâs a low bar.. but thank you.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
The best thing about lockdown is that weâve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher đđ đ
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Isnât is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like âgoldendoodleâ this or âchihuahua mixâ that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have itâs just like âan orange oneâ
Joined WhateverCupidâ˘ď¸ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
MĂĄn: Well hello there
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.