a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

You Might Also Like


Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.


(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein


Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.


Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.


1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.

He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”

So are the days of our lives.


I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.


If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.


If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.


Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.