@AudreyPorne

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

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@MattTheBrand

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

@Darlainky

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

@xLiserx

Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.

@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.

@KeetPotato

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

@raysofdezi

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

@TheCiscoKidder

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”