a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET


Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.


Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day


Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.


Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.


with extra mice
“rice or mice”
“we don- are u a snake”
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number


I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.


Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”