Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere