A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Anyone really
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes