Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.