Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”