Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

2022 be like

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

sigh

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.