A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
You Might Also Like
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.