A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
