A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
When I pack too much for a short trip.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.