A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
me 2 months after i graduated
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.