A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
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About to throw up
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
(Gaming support cat.)
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
this could fix me
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.