A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Oh boy, $150,000!
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.