Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

The first one, obviously

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

something like this could probably happen to anyone