Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

I’ve been learning to cook.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

Meeeee too!