Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band