A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
He has no idea 🤡
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.