Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

This is always good for a laugh.

kitchen magnet

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)