Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.