A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.