Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

*pronounces fake like saké*

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!