Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin