Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

🤣🤣

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

If you had more money you’d be happier.

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*