Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

can’t talk my ride’s here

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.