*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
