A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.