@jwoodham

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

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@GrillinChillin9

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@tastefactory

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”

@PretendMunchkin

Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.

I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.

Snacks anyone?

@dorsalstream

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

@ImKevinito

Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.