Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”
Translated from “be with you shortly”
Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.
I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.