A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.