A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

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“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”


[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off


I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.


Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.


ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
911: where
M: between 2 trees in our yard
911:a hammock?
M: idk what his name is just send help


How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.


Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no


The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.


“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”


me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer