A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.