A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.