Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Too easy.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.