Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

termite twitter scares me

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.