A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
You Might Also Like
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
got so much cardio in today
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.