Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Match dot com, but for socks.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.