Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

I am never leaving this website

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425