A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Nothing.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles