A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole