Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.