Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?