Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah