remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.