WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.
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8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”
Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.
Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache